This is going to be a long and wordy post. One filled up with all my raw emotions and thoughts. Deep sorrow followed by overwhelming joy all rolled in to one powerful moment in my life. I promise you, it all comes from a deep place down in my core. Thoughts that have been trying to get out, so here goes nothing.
This is where it began......
My cousin died. He died and it wrecked me. He wasn't just my cousin. He was my friend, my big brother. He loved me so much and I loved him and then one day he died. Its only been a few months. It makes my heart feel like its breaking a part just to type these words. I have been crushed to my core by his passing. But it doesn't end here. Actually, this is where it started. He helped me. He helped me when he died because he showed me something I had been hiding from myself. That I have a gift and its shouldn't be wasted. He gave me courage to move forward. His death didn't hold me back, it pushed me forward. It shoved me!
He was 47. He was young and alive and then he wasn't. The cancer took him away quickly. It crept in like a thief and stole his life. His one wild and precious life.
It happened way too fast. There wasn't enough time. Not even to say goodbye. It's changed everything about the way I look at life. It doesn't scare me to die but it does scare me to think that I could die and never have tried. Never had even tried to do what I could feel pulling at me all these years.
Why? Why not try? Why not allow myself to do what it is that I can do and that I know I can do well. I look back over the past year. I think of all the prayers I prayed to please lead me down the right path. The one that will make me a better wife, mother, friend, sister, but also where my soul can sing out loud!
I had no idea in saying those prayers how I would be lead.
I was scared. I was so scared of the what if's. I didn't want to burden my family in anyway at all. Things were good. Money was good and we had everything we wanted. How could I jeopardize all that just because I had an empty spot down deep? Was I being selfish?
I knew and still know to this day that if this giant leap in my career, in my life doesn't end up being all that I intend it to be. I will stop. I will find something else because my family comes first. But the thing is, I don't think thats going to happen. Instead of that pulling feeling in my gut its now this drive leading me to a better place.
The weeks before he left us, he was all I thought about. I could feel something stirring in me.
But I kept telling myself it will all work itself out and in a year we will look back and say
"hey remember when you were sick, thank goodness that's over."
In all of this chaos I had my little Instagram account. Keeping me busy and creative. I love IG but I have to say, I wasn't so crazy about the #WIDN.
In case you aren't familiar, its this little thing where you tag one another and ask them, What Are You Doing Know? I didn't ever really play along until a dear friend of mine tagged me, and because I didn't want to be a complete jerk, I played along, tagging the next person I thought of, it was Aedriel.
It gives me serious goosebumps when I think about it.
She played along because well, she also, is not a jerk. and this was her post...